As the football season progresses, two of our columnists will be testing their knowledge by engaging in what the Greeks called "talksport", or "debate." They will take on burning Fantasy questions and philosophies in an effort to prove their knowledge, while getting a chance to humiliate their less intelligent colleagues.
Moderator: Welcome to this week's debate. Today's premise will be "Should J.J. Watt be draftable as a Tight End?"
Arguing the affirmative we're going to have Peter "Steeto" Samuelson, and taking the contrary will be his peer, Madison Dominic. Peter you have the floor...
Peter: Yeah. I mean this is America and you should be allowed to do whatever you want.
Madison: That's it? That's your argument?
Peter: Well basically. I mean why not? Ayn Rand said, "The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." So basically the real question is, "Why do you hate Ayn Rand so much?"
Madison: Rules exist in our society for a reason. Fantasy football is about figuring out how to succeed within the limits of a game, not about creating a system where the people who figure out the loopholes are the ones who get rewarded. J.J. is a defensive player, therefore he earns points for the Texans' team defense. You shouldn't be able to double-dip on the only player who is effectively a two-way threat.
Peter: If you were smart and read my economics book ever, you'd know that if there's anything bad in the world the free market will correct it. That's why we don't have smallpox or any more Detmer brothers on NFL rosters. So I guess you're comfortable with the fact that every time J.J. catches a touchdown pass there are six points that just disappear? No one gets them. Hope that makes you happy.
Madison: I would rather depend on a system of justice for scoring rather than on one that doles out points because "someone has to get them." Let me ask you a hypothetical question: If J.J. Watt was available to be drafted as a TE, how high would you draft him?
Peter: I'd take him in the 5th round.
Madison: If there are going to be morons like you in every league over-drafting him just because he looks like the A-team fell into a particle accelerator with the screenplay from "Rudy" and a VHS of American Gladiators, then yes, by all means, draft him as a TE. He still would not be valued as a starting TE anyways. His five total TDs are nice, but he only had three offensive TDs on the year which puts him somewhere around 22nd overall among NFL TEs.
Peter: Well my point is that It would be extremely kickass to have J.J. Watt as a TE. I am arguing for the fun aspect and you're arguing against something that is by all reasonable measurements, awesome.
Moderator: Excellent point, Peter. So we're all in agreement then; Peter has dumbed Madison into changing her mind and letting him win this argument — just so that she can beat him in Fantasy Football. So even though Madison conceded her entire premise, she won the debate. Excellent job, Madison.
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